My wife and I were watching Sense & Sensibility on TV over the weekend and there is a scene where the Dashwood ladies are having their hearts broken, I kinda laughed and my wife turned to me and asked me if I ever had my heart broken and I turned to her, looked her in the eye and said, “you can’t break cold hardened steel baby!” We had a good laugh.
Marriage (and Personal Finance) Is A Journey
We have been married 25 years I think, not knowing the exact number of years is a good sign so don’t fret, but it wasn’t always like that at the beginning. I recall money being so tight in those early days that I often wondered if marriage was a mistake or some huge scam. Things got worse when we had a baby and the endless expense of diapers, doctors appointments and food kept pilling on.
It didn’t help any that my job at the time required me to travel extensively leaving my wife to take care of the kids all by herself for many years. Because I was traveling so much and my wife wasn’t working full time, we were often out of sync as to who should be paying for what and when. Things actually got worse when my wife went back to work full time and the kids were old enough to be in daycare and then in private school.
Separate Checking
After 25 years, I don’t really remember all the details but I do remember that we both made a decision to simply have separate checking accounts and we each had our bills to pay. From what I recall, my wife paid for all day care expenses and the kids private schools as they got older and I paid for everything else (mortgage, car payments, vacations, utilities, internet, etc). We rotated buying groceries but since I was traveling she did most of that for a few years until my travel finally subsided and I was home more often. These days I work from home and do most of the shopping online.
It is a system that we developed or were forced into, I don’t remember, but it has worked well for us for 25 years. Ironically, I think my wife has managed to save far more money for retirement than I have because she optimized her savings over time and stayed with the same employer with 20+ years and that’s ok because women tend to live longer than men so I’m good with her having a larger nest egg that’s bigger than mine. Today we’re both millionaires and we’re glad to have each other.
Everyone’s Journey Is Different
I occasionally read posts on Reddit from younger people and many seem to be struggling quite a bit and most think that their situation is unique or different from others but it’s not. People have been struggling for thousands of years and I doubt it will change any time soon.
I’m also not suggesting that separate checking accounts will solve all your problems and lead to marital bliss. What leads to marital bliss is constantly tweaking your situation, expectations and adjusting to the daily new reality. The most important lesson is to not dwell on the past or how things were or could have been because those things you can’t change but how tomorrow can be better is something that can change.
To anyone reading this, don’t worry things will get better. If you have the right partner things will work out and if you don’t then you’ll move on and things will work out. If you fall down, get back up again. If you are pushed down, get back up again. And after no one can push you down any more, try to help someone else up when you get the chance!